Texty: Tom Waits. Orphans: Bastards. Dog Treat.

Thanks, uh... You know uh, this is weird uh...
Most of us have dogs, allright? (applause)
I don't know if it's a local thing where I live, or if it's everywhere, and I'm checking it with you because uh, I don't get in the area that often and I'm just checking to see if...
There's a new kind of a dog treat. And uh (where I live) and they're available in the pet store and for the longest time I just thought that it was some kind of a prank. Or uh...
I wasn't really sure what it was, until I read the label on the back and it said "Bull Penis" (laughter).
I was a little shocked! I know you can get just about ANYTHING in this world.
You can get a whale's pancreas if you'd want one! I can get you one! (laughter)
But com'on, a bull's penis! How busy they were their whole lives.
And they throw it to a dog, like that, for a snack! (laughter)
Now, are they available here in the Los Angeles area? They are, aren't they?
Doesn't that make you a little weazy?
Makes you wanna live a long time.
And on the back, on the bottom it said: "100% natural"!
I mean... that's the part that really got me. And it said: "A Real Meat Snack".
There's just no dignity in that. Uh, anyway...
The other thing is that they're 36 inches long! (laughter).
They're so long they had to cut them into bite-size portions.
And then they take two of them and braid them together.
I know, I know! I never want it done. But uh...
This is a song written for Gregory Peck for his dating my mom...
That's a lie!